I know you are probably thinking that is crazy for different reasons, such as:
- but you seem so happy
- Ruby is 2.5 years old!
- ummm ok, I am blanking, but there are other reasons why you might think it is crazy.
Well, I try to put on my happy face. But that got harder and harder and HARDER. I thought "I'll just snap out of this." "I'll eat better and exercise more." "I'll take some supplements." "I'll be more honest with myself and others."
I tried these things for almost a year, but I still felt uncomfortable in my own skin. A WHOLE year AFTER I admitted to myself that something wasn't right and that I was in a "funk". And who knows how long I felt that way before admitting it to myself? Since I weaned Ruby when she was 13 months old? Since we moved when Ruby was 3.5 months old? Since Ruby was born? While I was pregnant with Ruby? (This sounds like I am blaming Ruby, I am NOT, I am just using her as a time frame reference.)
So... Where am I now?
A: I am somewhere. Mostly good. In November I started citalopram at a low dosage of 10mg. After 6 weeks, the Doc and I increased my dosage to 20mg. About a month ago, we increased to 30mg. Most of the time I feel "OK". Not great, but not in a bad place either.
Let me clarify something: I wasn't ever in a hole that I felt like was getting deeper and deeper or anything like that. Maybe just a shallow hole that was annoying and I was loosing my patience for it and everything else in this world.
I had zero patience. This makes life very difficult when you have 2 small children. Now, I realize that I can choose to let it go and see the moment as it is. This is tough, but I am learning.
I also was very anxious. Spontaneity through me for a loop. I already felt like I was barely holding things together and getting by and a burst of spontaneity would blow it all away and I'd never recover. I'm much more go with the flow now. That is the Penny I recognize myself as.
I felt judged. Judged by everyone! I would even turn positive comments into something negative! I didn't think I deserved the positive comments. Example: someone says "You look nice." I'd say "Thanks, this is just an old shirt and I didn't even shower today." And in my head I THOUGHT "Oh, they must think I look trashy the rest of the time." If you do this constantly enough, you will make yourself feel worthless and it will drive you crazy. It was hard to read sarcasm and tone of voice. I LOVE sarcasm! I felt stupid. I needed people to tell me exactly what they meant or I didn't get it. I was in a sea a gray just going about my day to day, just trying to get through this day so I could get onto the next. Tomorrow is another day.
I digress- I'm SUPPOSED to be saying where I am NOW. I'm happy, but maybe a little flat. I laugh. (It was interesting to feel myself smile more and to hear myself begin to laugh more over the last few months. And real laughs, not forced ones.) I smile. But I don't look forward to anything. I had 30 or so people at my house for St. Patrick's day. I had a WONDERFUL time. I laughed until I cried! I went to bed at 4am smiling and thinking how lucky I was for such amazing friends who would drive just to stay at our house and hang out with each other! But I didn't look forward to the event at all. I planned it, but I wasn't really excited about it. In fact, I might have been a little anxious about it. And I went to see "The Hunger Games" with some girlfriends. I didn't really look forward to that either. Or at least I thought I didn't, but I did get all dolled up (well, as dolled as I get) and arrived to pick up my girlfriend 15 minutes early! So maybe I was looking forward to it, but didn't know it or appreciate the emotion?
I find that less and less I am sinking into myself and hiding away from people (including my family- like the one I LIVE with). I found myself doing it today. It makes me sad when I do it. And sometimes I am not doing anything productive or useful, just staring in the mirror, getting lost on the internet, zoning... I can hear my family talking and playing together, but I am not a part of it. I am TRYING to allow myself to get pulled back into the family fun when they attempt to (and they do). My family (Corey and the girls) are amazing and wonderful. My girls are such well behaved little girls! I am realizing this more and more. Corey has always been a great partner and an exceptional dad. He is understanding to the best that he can be. I occasionally let the thought slip "he just doesn't get it", but then I know that that is not fair and I wish that he is never able to "get it" and understand just how deeply this hurts and feels; to sometimes feel foreign or like a stranger in your own body.
What is the point of all my ramblings?
A: Because I am confident in where I am, I am feeling those bad feelings less and less, although still cyclical (aren't all these womanly), I feel like it is important to be accountable of where I have been. I could have just said "I was busy." But that's not the truth. I also don't like the stigma of depression. A friend told me "If you have a heart condition, you would take drugs, right? Or if you had cancer, you'd get the treatment, right?" Well, of course I would! So why was I so stubborn to not get help for so long. I could have been past this point already and possibly further into recovery. But I will not judge myself, I only wish for others to seek help sooner.
I do feel more like me. The me I used to be. The me I want to be. It's sometimes frustrating that I am not there yet, but tomorrow is another day and in this case, it's a good thing.
PS. I take pictures all the time! Molly does too. I will try to figure out a way to daily post some here from my smart phone. I can post them to FB, but not everyone checks there?
1 comment:
I love you Penny :)
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